|
| i know i haven't written in this in forever but i realized nobody was reading it anyways.
i don't lead any special life that is worth reading about.
& i've also been very busy.
i'm pledging a sorority,
it's the best and worst.
just reminds me that i'm never enough sometimes though.
the girls always talk about having sex and what not.
and i don't know how to tell them that i was once in love
with a boy who manipulated me into doing things that i didn't want to do,
and it hereby now makes me terrified of boys.
i don't want to be coined on that,
i don't want to be known for that.
some of the girls know cause they were my bestfriends before all of this,
but at the same time i i don't think they even really know the extent of this.
blahblahblah,
i'm a mess sometimes.
| | |
| i had a breakdown the other night. yes large contents of alcohol were involved, and yes it was just "one of those days" but it didn't matter, it needed to come out. i haven't cried in so long that my eyes were burning until the next day. i tried to ignore what you've done to me, i've tried to let go of everything and yes i've let go of you, but those memories still cling to me, everything i do. i can't ignore the burning pain and anxiety i feel when left alone with a boy..even just a friend. i can't ignore those nights i sleep on a friends floor because being alone in a bed is just too much to bare. and i can't deny the feeling that i feel like i haven't been touched in months, physically and emotionally. i haven't felt that flutter under my skin or had my eyes opened by someone's presence. and i feel like i'm searching for that again fucking..everywhere. i want to end the search but i don't even know how i started it. i want it all to just land on my lap one day like it did once before, but i can't stop my heart from making my eyes move, from making my mind think that i need someone. lonely driven actions that i don't even realize i'm doing. i just wish i could make sense of something more in my life than the books i read and the music i listen to. | | |
| I don't know what to say except this sort of thing always happens to me. I shouldn't care as much as I do & I think I'm so upset because that's just another same scenario over and over again. Give me some fucking variety or something, same shit different day. Goodbye.
oh, and yes. I MISS YOU. I miss you so much that I want to rip my fucking hair out and scream at the top of my lungs. that YES, I do think you're that incredible and I think about you a lot more than I should. I can't pick up my history book without getting sad, and as much as that doesn't make since it makes it that much more harder. I shouldn't think about you as much as I do, & I shouldn't let myself get upset because I knew this would happen, but you make it so easy to ignore myself and so goddamn hard to listen. I think I hate you for that.
I don't know how to say anything anymore. | | |
| You were supposed to come here. I was surprised to see you talk to me when you first got back to school. Last time you cut me off the day you left, like we never spoke to each other. Except for the drunk text here and there. This time you kept talking, made a couple plans, broke them all..and then the conversations ended. So..bye? Until spring break or summer? who knows.
I really have no energy anymore. Sleep, wake up for either an 8am class or 9am class. Come back, look for a job, eat, say I'll go to the gym, look in the mirror and bitch at how fat I think I am. Look at my face and I'm pale, dark hair always in tangles. Bags under my eyes and the sad attempt to put make up on. No style, loud laugh, big heart, exhausted mind and body. And then I think to myself.."& I wonder why I can't find anybody." I need to stop questioning what I already know. But I hate the truth. The truth is I'm not good enough..I will never be good enough. I haven't found one person yet who thinks about me after I'm long gone. Who gets nervous to see me, who thinks i'm beautiful baggy eyes and awkward legs and all. Somebody who cannot get enough of me and wants to spend everyday with me. Well, I guess I found that once. For ten solid months..and then he was gone faster than he came, leaving my heart broken and changed. Even after a year of aftermath and chaos and disaster and twisted hearts and tears, I wouldn't trade those ten months for the world. I guess I'm just terrified to never find that again.
I don't even know where to begin my search.
| | |
| So, I basically found a boy I have full potential of falling in love with. ha. Yes, He's that perfect. & well.. in the same day I realized this.. I also realized there is so much that will keep us from ever being together. So yeah. Stuck there for now.
| | |
|
